"I asked for words! Life led me to a wood, set me in a solitude where speech is still and wisdom comes by prayer." Chester B. Emerson
I came across this picture this morning in hopes of finding a scene that would help to facilitate a moment in the meeting place with my Brother and Friend. It is ever a difficult thing, at least for me, to be alone with the Alone. I tend to run into that place of shame and guilt, and become overwhelmingly conscious of my true bankruptcy of soul. I am so nothing with out Him. The scene here was one of white which is always deeply encouraging to me. I was reminded of that the flag, (that flies at my mansion in Father's heart), is predominately white. It represents my standing in His eyes. This was and is now again while writing this, a special moment, standing in the silence of this tree in the winter of it's season. My life is like that right now. I have been so stressed this season, with so much change and this was a much needed moment of quiet. The rarefied air, the hush, the absence of noise was wonderful. His words in this moment were stunning as they always are. Never pointing out my weakness, or challenging me to change something, but instead speaking quiet words of assurance, love and amazing acceptance.
Being silent... I crave it and yet, find it so hard to enter into it. I intuitively know that I will meet Him there as He loves the "still small voice" kind of setting. Yet, I am still reluctant to enter in. As always, He patiently waits and woos me to come and rest. Some quotes are following... "Silence is not simply the absence of noise or the shutdown of communication with the outside world, but rather the process of coming to stillness...I'm not speaking of physical isolation; solitude means being alone with the Alone, experiencing the transcendent Other and growing in awareness of one's identity as the beloved." This seems to be where He always leads me. I forget that I am the beloved. I just can't seem to remember from one day to the next.
My story is much like the story of a harried executive who went to a desert father and complained about frustration in prayer, flawed virtue, and failed relationships. The father went into his cave and came out with a basin and a pitcher of water. As he poured the water into the container the water splashed and was turbulent. Finally it began to settle and become smooth and placid. "That is the way it is when you live constantly in the midst of others, " said the father. "You do not see yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance. You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness of your belovedness slowly fades."
So true for me. It really does take time for the water to settle, but not as long as I seem to think, if I am willing to stop and enter in. Nevertheless, coming to interior stillness requires waiting. When the guilt feelings come, "the shadow self insinuates that I am selfish, wasting time, and evading responsibility" or worse yet, that this effort will bring no true experience, relief or change in my circumstances which reveals some other buried issues in my heart. What a messy place this is. But, God loves a mess, especially the mess in my heart. Go figure.
Significantly, "silent solitude makes true speech possible and personal. If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. If I am estranged from myself, I am likewise the stranger to others." When I am unable to center down and remember who I am, I grow distant from myself, God and others.
B. Manning writes "...I connect best with others when I connect with the core of myself. When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate... I take myself less seriously..." Silent solitude will forge true speech. It is interesting to me that it seems to always go back to knowing how He loves me. This "wasting" time with God "enables me to speak and act from a greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. It empowers me to lose myself... against a greater background than the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
One of the reasons that I find myself so tired gets exposed when in silent solitude. "The energy expended in the imposter's exhausting pursuit of illusory happiness" ( I so love this line, it is just too true), gets exposed and is "now available to be focused on the things that really matter – love, friendship, and intimacy with God.
Some closing thoughts... To be with our own thoughts and feelings, to stop the addictive prayer wheels and just feel what we're really feeling, think what we're really thinking, is probably the most courageous act most of us will ever do. It is for me. Maybe, it's hardest because none of us want to be with someone we don't love. Geez... it is so hard to see that may be really how I feel. To know how I am really feeling... maybe we have got to feel many of the feelings which have been pent up and denied for too many years. As it goes, there is probably no way out of our addictive society and our addictive, dysfunctional families apart from some significant moments spent in silence and solitude.
In "Letting Go: A Spirituality of Subtraction", Richard Rohr writes: "Blaise Pascal said all human evil comes into the world because people can't sit still in a chair for thirty minutes! I hope that is an exaggeration. Maybe he's saying that running from silence in undoubtedly running from our souls, ourselves, and therefore, from God."
May He grant us more grace to meet and experience Him in deep moments of silence and solitude. Be courageous, my friends.
